Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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