i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
