I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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