i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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