I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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