someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
