I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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