My cat gives me a boner
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
