Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
