His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
