I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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