Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
