4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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