Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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