I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
