his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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