i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
