that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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