I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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