hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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