I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
