you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
