just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
