yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
