God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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