just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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