My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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