I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
