i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
