Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
