I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
