He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
