I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
