I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
