I like my sex mixed with concussions.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
