a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
