Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
