This house was built for laser tag.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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