i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
