Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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