well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
