My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
