that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
