I love black thongs
You're so nebulous sometimes
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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