I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
