Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
