She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
