I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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