Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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