i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize