I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
