i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
