Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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