the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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