I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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