i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
