I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
