Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
