the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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