3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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