I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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