i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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